That evening my mind was not calm. Unlike other days when thoughts of unfinished work would be bothering me, I was thinking about the death of Tracie my four years’ girlfriend whom I had watched die as a lorry carrying concrete knocked her.

I loved Tracie so much although at times she had shown disinterest in our relationship. With the far we had come, it was so hard for me to believe that she would break my heart. Sadly, our romantic affair developed troubles four months later, and then led to the real death; the death of our relationship, then the death of Tracie.

Actually, things happen so fast. Before I could know, Tracie left me and fell in love with Timothy my friend. All started few days ago. I had phoned her like I often did to wish her a good night. But surprisingly a man who introduced himself only as Tim picked my call and warned me so threateningly to stop phoning Tracie, who was his ‘only one’ and his wife-to-be. It was difficult to believe that that man was my friend. His voice had changed and he spoke rudely to me as if he had been sent by Lucifer Himself to deliver that news.

“Stop making regular phone calls and permanently stop phoning her at night,” he demanded adding that he would be busy enjoying himself with Tracie during such times, and he won’t take those phone calls lightly. At times they would be making love, and he won’t like them interrupted, he had said.

If it was his mobile number that I had phoned it would have been a joke. But it was Tracie’s, my-now-turned-to ‘our girlfriend’ whom I had dated for four years. The time was 10pm and disbelieving the voice, I tried the phone call second time, this time round thinking my mind was playing tricks on me. Surprisingly Tracie picked up, apologized for the rudeness and also warned me too. In fact she pretended she didn’t know me at first and then told me to stop calling again at night.

I will find you and kill you

I almost went mad. What kind of rudeness was that? But then I decided to wait until the following day to prove that I was not dreaming. Perhaps I was in a reverie, or so I thought.

So again, the following night I called again.

“I will find you and kill you if you dare joke around my wife again,” Tim warned me again, sending enough desperation and bitterness into me, confirming that I had not heard my own things last night. My brain sparked fury, not believing that Tracie, the girl I had all along dedicated my heart to, all my emotions, my hard earned money, and everything I had; the girl I was waiting to graduate from university in a year’s time before I married her, was dumping me, and was already with another man living together. A week had not even passed after our last meeting and although we quarreled few days later, I did not believe my Tracie had so much made a decision of quickly dumping me.

That moment brought complete sadness and shock into my heart. I thought about Tracie each moment that I lost weight. Nights went with me nursing insomnia too. I really did not know who this Tim was and I wondered what magic he had used on Tracie to detach me from her so easily.

As time went I tried finding a place in my heart to accept that breakup. But the more the days elapsed the more the pain increased. Soon that pain translated to anger and pangs of jealousy. I started to think painfully that that Tim was now making love with Tracy every night, and had severally done it for that whole week. I believed that Tim had been seeing Tracie secretly in the past, yet I had continuously pumped everything I had on Tracy to keep her happy.

I so much got bitter that I thought of finding them and making them go through slow deaths as I killed them one by one to pay for my sadness. Anyway, my love for Tracie had expired all of a sudden and I now thought of revenge. Yes, I was going to kill her so that Tim went to a loss too. It was better for my feelings, instead of living knowing Tracie was somewhere living happily and having fun after using me and leaving as I swam in an ocean of desperation, regrets and sadness. I was so determined to get them.

Then came one lucky evening!

There was only one problem: I did not know where to find them. Since that dreadful night Tracie had completely ignored my phone calls. So in fighting my stress which came as a result, I found myself increasing the rate of taking beer. Mostly, I would be at the club, especially in the evenings. For days now I had severally tried to pick myself up and start living afresh unsuccessfully.

Then came one lucky evening! I entered La Casa Bar and ordered some beer before Naomie, Tracie’s best friend entered in and greeted me as I gulped my beer. From the way she arrived, I wondered how God had loved me that day to bring her there though I concluded she could have had a hand in my breakup with Tracie, for she was Tracie’s best friend who advised each other and shared secrets together. Of course she was aware of my breakup, but I wanted to use her to have my revenge.

“You look horrible today, Limo, what is it?” She asked after observing my unusual countenance on her. I looked at her wickedly as if to tell her to read my mind and answer herself. Didn’t she know that her friend had used and dumped me?

“I am digging,” I replied with disgust. I have never liked pretenders anyway.

“Relax, Limo, please relax,” she persuaded. “I can help you get your Tracie back. That Tim is a monster for her. Believe you me I am on your side, you have done a lot for Tracie and you don’t deserve such hostility and betrayal,” she said.

I could not tell whether she was serious or not but that statement made me sober up a bit. Not that I believed she would bring Tracie back, but she was showing hope of taking me to where my revenge was slated. The way Tim had warned me, there was no way I could let him go away with my supposed to be wife. Or better still, Tracie was not going away after playing with my emotions and money just like that. Never! I wanted to eliminate Tracie, or at least Tim. That would serve the idiots right. And I would be relieved, for the three of us would be at some loss.

I emptied my last bottle, paid my bills and left.

That sounds stupid, right? No worries. You don’t know how it feels. If I could let go the better, but I couldn’t. Tracie had turned on those rare sockets in me. It is okay to be dumped for infidelity and for not being serious in a relationship but being played on, being used and then being dumped with no valid reason becomes too much to take. Yes I knew I was becoming stupid but I decided to spoil Naomie with beer so that she could take me to Tracie.

After a few drinks Naomie promised to take me there, the following day. In return I offered her as much beer as I could in order to seal that deal.

I emptied my last bottle, paid my bills and left. I gave Naomie some money, to ensure that she was not going to miss to come to town the following day, where I would pick her before we left to Kalimali, a place she said Tracie and Tim had relocated to. I had known Naomie for long and I was certain she would not betray me.

I drove straight to my house and quickly fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning I was so withdrawn.  But when I thought about my mission, I got some energy. I phoned Naomie and she said she would be in Eldoret town in an hour. I quickly prepared myself, took a bottle of energy drink.

There was a pocketknife in my bed locker which I took and put in my coat pocket. Then I took my car keys and walked out to where my car was. For the first time I did not believe what my mind was thinking about, and what I was preparing to do. Was I about to do the worst or the best for me? Was I about to do the stupidest thing ever in my life? Well, if it was wrong or right, I thought I was relieving myself from stress. Forgive me Tracie’s betrayal was too big to leave her scot free.

Fury was taking dangerous hold on me

I wanted to use the shortest time possible. After which I would return home happy after I have fully revenged. No one could change my mind. Not even the thoughts of the consequences of my actions convinced me otherwise. All my monthly salary which I had continued slashing for her to be happy swayed my mind with regrets, and even convinced me that I was doing the right thing. All the privileges I had accorded her with me responding to every of her demands with all the love that was in my heart added more pain. All the comfort I had accorded her both emotionally and financially told me to proceed with my plans. She was dumping me like a piece of shit. But she was going to meet her gods too, or so I decided. I was so bitter, confused, desperate and emaciated of thoughts.

I hurriedly drove to the petrol station and filled my car with enough fuel. I did not even feel the anger that came with me dashing out and screeching carelessly as I left the filling station, nearly knocking another car that had been parked along the road at the exit to the highway. Fury was taking dangerous hold on me and I didn’t mind how people looked at me. In fact, if there was any police officer I would as well have hit them to death and go.

The car really hummed so well. Being new it really sped off with the speed I desired. Naomie then was innocently waiting me at Lilan Café near Total Petrol station in town, having breakfast.

In about ten minutes I was there. She had already finished eating and she entered the car, with all the willingness to help me. The journey to Elgeiyo Marakwet County, Iten town, Kalimali estate, started. I told her to sit well as I fastened my safety belt and then asked her to do the same too since the drive would be rough and fast. But a few moments later she was shouting at me to stop speeding or she would jump out, to which I told her to jump out, but she didn’t.

Thirty or so minutes at Kalimali, the suburbs of the rich, she angrily asked me to park the car along the road, near one bungalow that she said was Tim’s newly rented house. There, I confirmed my knife was still intact in my coat. I could see Naomie’s palms were wet due to anxiety and worry of my driving as she opened the door and she looked at me with double anger that told me she was so disgusted. However, I faked a smile and apologized for driving that way. That made her force herself to smile, and she went promising to be back shortly with Tracie.

As I started walking toward them

I sat in the car peering through the window as she went inside. After she opened the metal gated compound I saw the compound and the house and watched Naomie until she was inside. Then before long I saw her coming with Tracie. What she had told her, I did not care knowing. But for a fact, I felt like I still had an opportunity to win her heart back.

At the gate a man I assumed was Tim stopped there, arms akimbo. I knew it was the same man that had angrily threatened me on phone, to kill me. For a moment I wanted to study his semblance properly before I greeted Tracie. But in that glance, I realized that it was Timothy, my long time friend. It then came to my mind that Tim, was Timothy Ndegwa my friend.

No wonder he had become too cold on me of late, always telling me how Tracie was a terrible girl I needed to dump: the girl that he had heard several men fighting for her, the girl that had slept with a number of his friends. No wonder, I winced twice and took a deep breath unable to believe my eyes, and wondering why it got so hard for me to believe him.

My anger had suddenly swirled up and I think I saw him appearing smaller than usual. I think I saw a dead friend because I was going to kill him; my betrayer. He was going to get the knife, no doubt, I decided. I didn’t even want to take more time thinking and I got out of the car clenching my fists.

As I started walking toward them, with Tracie now realizing it was I that Naomie had brought, she gasped, puzzle suddenly barricading her mind. Timothy seemed to have understood my fury well like Tracie and he dashed back into the house which forced me to run after him. He knew me well; that in my anger I could do the unthinkable. The last time I almost crushed Mutinda’s head with a hammer after he crashed my car and certainly, Timothy knew he was awaiting his death for stealing my girlfriend.

I removed the knife ready to pursue Timothy

Charging properly I hurried towards the gate as Tracie tried to speak out something that became difficult to leave her mouth. She looked at me in the eye with fright written all over her face, and trying to avoid me as I walked on the pavement towards them.

I removed the knife ready to pursue Timothy to the end. But as I took it out Tracie seemed to think that I wanted to attack her and stepped out of the pavement and scampered towards the road, leaving Naomie alone on the pavement blocking her mouth with her palms, her eyes globing out with disbelief. With worry and confusion, she started screaming. But no one even seemed to be around to hear her.

Naomie had not expected to see me with a knife and she joined Tracie in wailing too, which increased the intensity of the wails as if to alert the whole vicinity.

But who cared, they could as well scream until Jesus came back. I went past Naomie and gazed at Tim on his doorstep. It seemed his door had refused to allow him in and he struggled pushing it until he dashed back in preparation to run away. You wonder how that got difficult but maybe the devil landed into his house the moment they got out and locked the door from inside.

Then I was too close with the knife in my hand firmly held, and ready to finish work. The wails now became louder and louder and I thought Tracie was about to see her ‘sweetheart’ dying for his sins.

Then bang! A loud bang that took all my concentration back suddenly, a bang that ended Tracie’s wails and doubled Naomie’s.

Turning back, my eyes met with Tracie landing onto the middle of the road after being hit by a lorry carrying concrete, now taking its emergency breaks behind her.

She was in pain

Instantly my heart wrenched and I shivered due to worry mixed with discomfiture inside me. My knife dropped suddenly as I watched Tracie’s head hit on the tarmac first with all her weight landing badly on the road. I thought she would break into pieces and her brains would come pouring out of her skull. How I wish I could prevent that.

My feelings for her could not allow me to see her dying despite the revenge I initially had gone there to administer. I retreated spot on, running towards the scene. I realized that I was getting worried and weak at the same time that I slumped onto the road where Tracie lay unconscious. For some seconds I sat down puzzled. Then I saw blood coming from her ears, nose and mouth. Her neck seemed badly twisted as if it had turned past the maximum one eighty degrees.

She was in pain. I recollected my strength and struggled to pick her. Naomie too ran to help. Shockingly, the cowardly Tim ran away, not minding that Tracie had been hit on the road.

We struggled with all the efforts we could find and took her into the car. My senses rushed back, and tears started to drop on my cheeks. I was not able to bear my beautiful Tracie dying, and off we drove to hospital. Shockingly, no one from the lorry came out. Instead they went on their way.

Tracie died few minutes after she was admitted at the hospital. Tim was out of sight too, and until now is still underground.

Now I was thinking seriously about that death in my office which had now become intolerable. Would I come back to healing? Would I ever forget Tracie? Would my gods ever forgive me?  Suppose it were not an accident that killed Tracie! Suppose in my anger and stupidity I stabbed her or Tim! The police would be on my neck too. I thought regrettably, wishing it was Tim who had been knocked by the lorry.

And then came regrets

I sat behind my desk thinking about Tracie whose funeral had taken place three days earlier, still accusing myself as being the cause of her death. My working spirit and interests completely waned until I deleted some vital information from the office computer due to absentmindedness, leading to my ever serious boss, Dr. Wasieke who had then wanted a copy of the deleted document, hurling all insults he could manage into me.

He said I was incompetent, stupid, reckless, useless idiot…That I should have been born a wheelbarrow to help in carrying sugarcane for sale along the streets of Eldoret town, or so he added with fury and ordered me to leave office and see him on Monday morning.

And then came regrets. I surely was stupid.

My mind nonetheless continued to battle the regrets of Tracie’s death. It was as if there was a wave of a hurricane that was swirling in my mind with every depressing thought.

I remembered all the sweet moments when I had been with her: those sweet moments when I would be in a holiday somewhere with her, those expensive dates I had with her; and with a lot of nostalgia, I reminisced all those romantic moments we had had making love in her house all those weekends during my visits to her in Kitale. I so much still loved her. But my stupidity…I prayed God to forgive me. And Tracie, I hope she will forgive me too…


©Kemboi Victor 2/7/2019


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