By Anita Wairimu
As I stand here today, where you took me on our first date, so young, naive and shy and also so in love. You couldn’t look me in the eye without blushing, oh! How cute that was. We talked of a future like we owned it, but we didn’t have a clue. Who cared then? We were in love. I absorbed every word you said, I hanged on it like it was my life line. I drowned in your promises, I believed everything that came from your mouth. Who could have blamed me anyway? I was deeply, madly in love.
As I stand here today, a place so beautiful to behold, you by my side walking arm in arm. You would just look at me and smile, and I would giggle like a school girl. I could feel your warmth and the assurance that you will never let me go. The place where you went down on one knee and asked for my hand. How could have said no? Ah, yes and a river of tears was all I could get, it was all I could give because that was all of me. You kissed the tears away, and I could literally see you beam. I had never seen you happier, the sight made me want to explode.
As I sit here today, in this church, which was filled to the brim, the seats were never enough, nobody wanted to sit outside. Who would want to miss such a moment? The moment we exchanged our vows? With our eyes full of tears and hearts full of love we made promises before God and men, the promises that we kept. Declared that we belonged to each other, a declaration that we kept. The joy that we shared with our families and friends, the place where you and I became one.
As I sit here today, looking at our honeymoon pictures and videos, going down the memory lane. We looked so happy, and yes we were. You took me to all places I had dreamt of going. Each town had its own sweet memory. I find myself laugh, smile and cry as I click on each picture, allow the memory to flood my mind. I soak in it and relive each day of our honeymoon, in every place we visited. We were carefree and full of life then, we lived we owned the world, and we did, you were my world and I was yours, we had each other, and that’s all that mattered.
As I sit here today, on this beach, where we came for our anniversary. I can still hear our laughter and as we played in the water. I can see you vividly without a shirt running towards me when I stepped on a sharp stone and cut my foot. The worry on your face when you saw how much blood I was losing, the panic as you carried me in your arms and cried for help. How hard you held my hand in that ambulance as they rushed me to the hospital. How can I forget that night, when I was stable enough to walk to the beach, it was hot inside and I needed some breeze. You could not let me out of your sight and that’s how we both ended up here, walking, talking, and holding hands. One thing lead to the other, steam and passions, and before we knew it, I had conceived our daughter, here on this beach.
As I sit here today, watching her, I wonder what we did to God to grant us such a beautiful gift. She is your splitting image, she has your hair and smile, she has your aura, and she thinks and behaves just like you. I don’t know where I could have been without her, I don’t know how my life would have been if you had not given me this gift. I will forever remain grateful that our love bore such. Oh, she stubborn too, just as you my darling.
I can never forget that call today, the call that permanently changed my life. The day that my shine was clouded, and the cloud hangs there daily. I try to smile but deep down, it’s still there, I can’t move it, it’s there to stay, even if I had power to move it, I wouldn’t. I received a call from an emergency room. You were involved in an accident. My darling you were hit hard. I could feel the pain in my veins, you could have let go and you had every right to do so, but you didn’t. You held yourself in there, you had to see my face one last time, you had to hold my hand, kiss these lips and tell me how much you loved me, how much I meant to you. You could not leave without saying goodbye. I could see death beckon you, but you fought it bravely, you kept it at bay, not until you finished what you had to say, and after you were done, I held you close as you crossed over. My dear, you left with a big part of me.
You never got a chance to see our daughter. I had to pull myself together and keep my promise to you. To raise our child like we had planned, it’s hard my darling, it’s really hard, but I have to do it for you, for us. She is a handful you know, it’s like you came back in her form. She taught me to love again. Whenever she asks me how you were, how you looked, I just tell her to look at the mirror and she will find all the answers. She would just smile, your smile and nod, knowing exactly what you were like. It makes her feel special, and she feels lucky she is just like you.
As I stand here today, at your grave, the place that I tend to each day, I relive our memories. They keep me going, I visit each place we went to, each river and ocean, but darling, it’s too lonely here, without you it’s lonely. Each day drags by, and my only wish is to have a glimpse of you, even just for a moment, touch you, hold your face, and kiss your lips for just a moment, and my heart will be full. Then I see her come my way, she holds my face, hugs me, kisses my cheek and tells me, “I know you miss him mummy, and it’s okay.” Then she gives me that beautiful smile, and brings me home.
© Anita W.